Smiles and memories, I love driving under the glittering stars of Montana skies, feeling so tiny and full of life in a world that, for that moment, holds nothing but boundless beauty.  I love campfires cuddles, the flames nipping at my cold nose and iced fingers.  Tiny black poodles buried in the snow. Half-seeing kitties who show blind affection and love with abandon.  Punkrock christmas songs that meld new life to old tradition. Homemade mixtapes and homemade journals and homemade cake. I love life in the little moments that remind me that life is just stolen moments that are too often passed over.  I love random words that stand for obscure ideas: hope, integrity, love.  I love stealing guys sweatshirts, swathing myself in a constant hug, constant safety.  Lilac blooms and white roses.  Seattle rain.  Writing by candlelight, the flicker dancing against the wall sketching stories for the ages.  I love listening to God's rants and rage and tears in the storms during Indiana nights.  Bahama beaches.  Old couples holding hands, still in love after years and years and years.  I love the aged photographs of troops kissing their loved ones hello because they have lived through hell and this, this is heaven. I love 'It's a Wonderful Life' on Christmas Eve with cookies, a box of tissues and my heart settling for another year on my sleeve. Soft blankets and a bed full of pillows and heating pads and long showers to take the pain away. Sentimental hallmark bullshit that gets me everytime. Beautiful Arabic phrases: Salaam wa Alaykum. May Peace Be With You. Books that make me cry and think and smile and laugh and want to live a better life.  People who make me cry and think and smile and laugh and want to live a better life. I love you.

I’m disturbed by something I’ve noticed. I have friends who are all over the religious spectrum and, for that reason, I tend not to comment on religion. If someone wants to believe in God, Gods, no God, Buddhist thought, nature worship…very well.

 So, recently, I came across some harsh atheistic views that sent me reeling. I am disturbed by the idea in atheism, by some, that they must force those who are Christian to realize their “delusion” and, well, almost convert to an atheistic view of the world. A realization that there is no God.  This bothers me, not because of the atheistic idea of no God, but with the dogmatic fashion in which they attack those who do believe in God. Don’t they recognize that in wanting to impose their idea of non-religion on one group is just as bad as Christianity (or any other organized religion) wanting to impose their ideas upon atheists? I recognize the extreme in organized religion and I am extremely disturbed by it. Those who would condemn to hell anyone who doesn’t conform, who want to take away rights from citizens because of evidence in Bible, those who use religion to oppress others, is completely and utterly deplorable to me. And that is why I feel it necessary to point out the hypocrisy in atheistic views, where many find these views deplorable as well. Yet they voice the opinion of imposing and altering those who believe something different to conform to their own ideas. It bothers me.

 I have no problem challenging others ideas. But there’s no opportunity for debate when you alienate someone. I recently saw a picture that disturbed me. I will not repost it here because I find it extremely offensive and vile. It was a picture of bodies piled up and underneath it, it said “HOLOCAUST: Even God needs a vacation.” I cannot begin to tell you how insensitive it is. It’s low and base and disgusting. It’s painful and insulting to survivors of ANY horror, not just the Holocaust. It’s an insult to humanity in general to reduce horrors so extreme we are still trying to cope and deal nearly seventy years later, and make political and religious satire out if it. Further what does it say about the creator of this “poster’s” views on religion? WWII was a worldwide war, hence the name. Every religion (or agnosticism/atheism) was touched by it. What conversation does this start? What does this say about atheism? Or an Atheist’s belief in Christianity and their beliefs?

 I’m a firm believer in criticism. I recognize atheism as a minority and the need to speak out against a Christian culture that may feel oppressive. But if you don’t understand the religion you are critiquing or challenging, what kind of conversation are you really having? It turns into US (the enlightened ones) VERSUS THEM (those Christians). And grouping all Christians together and assuming that they all believe the same thing, hold the same views, is dangerous. It’s like saying ALL women are the same. ALL white people are the same. ALL disabled people are same. Reduces people to single identities and divides us. It’s

 And yes, I recognize that there are people in every group (women, white people, the disabled, atheists, Christians), all do this. They all play the US VS THEM game. But really? If you see everyone as one whole group, you refuse to see someone as an individual and that’s how tragedy and hate and bitterness and dehumanization occurs in the first place.

 I know I’m rambling. I know half of this doesn’t make sense. I hope it doesn’t feel like an attack on atheism. I’m just so disturbed by the intolerance I occurred against the THEM. And, if you’ve felt the intolerance of the THEM, wouldn’t you strive to reduce that intolerance in the world instead of recreate it? GAH! I don’t know. It’s just the bleeding heart liberal in me. And I know there’s a serious danger of someone reading this, being insulted and taking my words to the extreme. I’m in no way a relativist. But I believe in basic respect. And so often that is overlooked when we get fierce in protecting “who we are.”

So...Grad school is looking less and less like an option. I didn't get into Emory, UofM or UC Davis. My only option is UCLA. So, it looks more and more like the real world for me. I'm trying to decide how I feel about this. I'm actually not very upset. I'm just trying to figure out the next step. I'll let you know when I know.

trying not to take on the weight of the world. I haven't decided if I'm succeeding spectacularly or failing miserably.